OK, so after the Mayan Ruins yesterday, I got to go for my Detox consultation. This included a BMI reading and consultation with a trainer. For this part, he didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. My BMI is high. It needs to come down. DUH! He was, however, very kind. He drew me little pictures to talk about the importance of eating organic…and balanced. Still, really not any new information. I found myself sitting there and wondering WHEN it was going to be over. But, then he pulled out the “support pieces”…three pieces of paper.
Page 1: You, too, can own your very own Detox Drops for only $61 a bottle. That will last you a whopping five weeks.
Page 2: You can also own your Detox Bath, to be taken at least twice a week for 30 minutes to soak those awful toxins away from your skin. It’s a “deal” at $176 for 5 week supply.
Page 3: You must get the Detox Skin Brush to be used every shower. Here is the “kicker”…it is $44 for a total of two years (can you say “BARGAIN??”)
Then, this nice young man looks at me with a big grin and starts doing the math and totaling up the total for 6 months supply and we are somewhere over $700! In my head, I’m thinking “Don’t let your eyes bug out of your head.” HERE’S the kicker, though:
IF I bought the six months supply, then I get a FREE list of “good food to eat” valued at $85! I’m quite sure I could Google this for FREE without buying Detox!
If I signed up while on the cruise, I’ll stay “hooked up” with the Spa via email and have a support group online.
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
On to the Alpha Capsule….
The close of my session was 30 minutes in an Alpha Capsule. I lay in this giant capsule in the middle of the spa (think treadmills, elliptical machines, and all those people weight lifting), and I’m told to “Relax!” WHAT??? RELAX??? You’ve just told me my BMI’s too high. I am full of toxins. My colon needs to work better (I know, TMI). I should spend a BUNCH of money to be on the road to better health for the next six months.
I TRIED to give myself to the experience. I tried to relax. I listened to the pretty music through some earphones. But the vibration was a bit high and my teeth were rattling. “Relax….enjoy the experience…you’re supposed to feel like you get three hours of sleep in only 25 minutes…you can do it….” And every time I opened my eyes, I was staring at the timer counting down my time in this giant contraption. Pretty soon, my legs felt like they were being stretched from my body and the vibrations seemed to make my colon want to work.
I held myself together until the final minute, when the countdown window flashes this message, “Thank you for using the Alpha Capsule. You may lift the lid and exit now.” No one told me HOW to lift the lid…and not wanting to look like a total dork in front of all those exercising…I gave it one big PUSH from the inside. I am pretty sure it could have flown out the front window and into the Caribbean Sea.
Ever so quietly, I snuck out of the Spa hoping I would not have to say “no” to my $700 offer another time….
Besides, I really had to go “Detox” my colon and kidneys---for FREE!
I’ll check in from Costa Maya tomorrow! Hugs to all!
9 comments:
Oh LOL...so glad I wasn't drinking while reading this!
Alas, $700 or no, it still comes down to calorie intake and exercise (although I still keep looking--chemo was NOT a viable option!)
Have a delightful cruise.
Heather
Oh goodness. I would have spent all my money just to take the cruise...what do they think I have left? I guess the lesson is not to overeat on the rest of the cruise?
Oh my goodness, this has to be the funniest blog I have read!! Sorry for your experience but thanks for the laugh!
C~
I've enjoyed cruising vicariously through you...but thankful that I did not have to get in that 'capsule'...I'm very claustrophobic...and just so you know...I'll be your support person for free ;)
For $700 I'll provide you with advice that will last a life time.
Have fun, enjoy all that God has given you, cherish the love that you get from your family, Treasure the relationship you have with your husband, be passionate about your career and the lives you effect everyday, appreciate those who have made you the person you are and above all continue to be the loving, caring, inquiqistive person that makes you such a wonderful individual.
Love Ya'!
Dad
I cannot be just slightly jealous about your cruise... that is until I heard about your detox sessions... didn't those use to be free at the local detention center. ;)
Praying for a great time for you and your beloved on this time away.
Well it definitely sounds like they were prepared detox your wallet.
Susan....smiling....they think that everyone and I mean everyone that goes on a CRUISE has tons and tons of money!! We AVERAGE people do not!! When my hubby and I got to go on our first and so far only one that is what we faced too. I just smiled and said no thanks...Like I could hand over money like that !! Silly boy!! If they only knew how hard it was to find the money to come in the first place!! Besides...don't worry it is all a scam anyway..just have a good time. Sandy
LMBO! Well... now you've DONE it! At least you can say - Oh yea! I've tried THAT! LOL! Cruises are ALL ABOUT showin' ya how the "other half" lives, eh? (i'm sure that guy could sell Paris Hilton!)
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