This morning at church I had an interesting interaction with someone I have never met before. It has had me thinking all day, so I thought I'd share it here.
This woman, K, came over and said, "I hear you are the Pastor's wife. I wanted to introduce myself to you. I was hoping to get to know you. I'm K."
I said hello and shook her hand. Before I could say or do anything else, she launched into a whole story about how they ended up at our church. I stood quietly and listened. I learned a lot in those few minutes, but I spoke VERY little. When I would take a breath to interject or ask a question, off she'd go again without me having to say anything. At one point, she did ask me about my kids...and when I showed her three of them and explained that the fourth was in the praise band...it was as if I had said nothing because she immediately started telling me about her kids. A few minutes later, she asked me how many kids I have...as if I had never said anything to begin with!
I was quite exasperated by the time she left. The entire exchange was about 7 - 10 minutes long and I literally listened and nodded most of the time.
Here's what has had me thinking. When she came to me, she said, "I was hoping to get to know you." Really, she doesn't know anything about me. The entire conversation was about her family and how they ended up where they are now. I DO know quite a bit about her.
This is not to be judgemental. It simply reminded me that the person who is doing the most talking is really not learning much at all. It takes listening to learn. If you want to know something, you have to be quiet. You have to listen. You have to ask the questions. You have to observe. Certainly, you can talk...but it's a delicate balance, isn't it?
I have been like this before. I have monopolized a conversation. I have shifted the focus to me or something about me rather than really focus in on the other person. I know it.
K is a nice person. I can tell she's had a lot of experiences in different kinds of churches. I know that she really enjoys the worship at our church. I know about her family. And that's OK.
I think this exchange served to remind me that I need to practice the art of listening and learning. I think there's a lot of wisdom in it.
9 comments:
Well, this certainly strikes a chord with me. Watch out, story coming:
This morning, Husband and I were out walking on a country road in Michigan (MICHIGAN, mind you. We live in Washington state and we've never been here before. Keep reading for the coincidence...) and a lady stopped and talked with us. Just like your acquaintance, she talked nonstop, only pausing for a breath to find out where we were from. Turns out her granddaughter is a student in the school where my husband is principal. Now what are the odds of that?
What struck me, though, was the question of why she was so chatty. I wondered if she was afraid she was so insignificant that we wouldn't remember her if she didn't keep on talking. I wondered if she felt unappreciated somewhere else in her life. I wondered if she unself-consciously thought that the more she talks, the more likely it is that eventually, somewhere, she'll say something important.
She was a nice lady, but it was a bit much.
And yes, I know what you mean in your reflective thoughts. I've done it too, and I think it really is what I was guessing about the lady on the road: a quest to establish my own significance with someone I'd just met, whom I saw as being an Important Person.
I constantly have to watch myself with this. I'm an only child, and all my life (until I got married anyway), it was all about ME. It's been a sort of struggle for me to not relate every single story that someone is telling me back to myself. As bad as it sounds, I sometimes have to make myself ask questions about someone else's day/family/life/etc. because it's just so easy for me to talk about myself.
Maybe I need to do a little more listening, too. ;)
Ginger: I am blown away at that coincidence!!! Amazing!!
Susie: I can see where being the only child (and therefore the center of attention) for so long could make this difficult. You make a good point.
And Amy, fighting for attention is so hard. I think when I have done this...this has been my motive.
It's certainly food for thought, ladies!!!
Blessings!!
It will be interesting to see if she remembers who you are next Sunday!
I have a good friend like you, she does a lot of listening, I do a lot of talking. Thing is, I know I do a lot of talking, because she doesn't do much. There's a lot of quiet air time that I feel needs to be filled, you know what I mean? How long do the chatterbugs wait for the listener to take a turn? And I'm not saying we shouldn't stop yacking for a minute, but for people like me (if she's like me, haha), that quiet time is odd, and personally, I never know what kinds of questions to ask.
We lack conversational skills, basically, and I'm so glad for people like you who are forgiving about things like this. Sometimes, it's hard to shut-up. :blush:
Maybe God put this lady in your path and then brought it back to your mind to help you understand this important lesson. Then also to pass it on to all of us. Ever think about that.????
I do think that we can all learn from our day to day lives.
Flip-Flop: Maybe that is something that can come out of this interchange. To share it with others.
Leanne: Don't get me wrong. I do plenty of my share of talking...I just know that we have to balance. I also know that "dead space" that often exists and we think we need to fill...the only thing is that the other person may be processing and preparing what to say.
You know I've been thinking about this encounter, and I know I do this sometimes....more now that I've been staying at home. You know what they say about using up words, and that men generally have used them up by the time they get home....sometimes I have a lot of words left;-) It's hard if you don't get out a lot, you find suddenly there is someone to listen to you besides your pets and children. Maybe she doesn't have someone who listens to her and/or to talk to. I know I was a much better listener when I was out interacting with people on a regular basis. On the other hand there are people who do just like to talk and are completely oblivious to the listener...I've been there also. It was nice that you were patient with her, maybe she will learn from you.
Lynn:
I never really thought about those people who DON'T have people to talk to during the day. You're right, she could have needed to just "use her words".
I found it interesting though that she wanted to get to "know me" and spent the time talking about her....
And yes, I DO need to be patient and treat the person the same way that I know that God would want them to be treated.
:-)
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